On my way....and loving the journey!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Lots of wonderful in unexpected places!
I know it has been a while and frankly, I have a real good reason. In my long moment of silence from blogging, a lot of things seem to have changed and continue to change in my life. But more importantly the way I view things in my life are changing also.
I suppose I should start from the very beginning, when all this "change" started and the energy shifted. About 6.5 months ago some really rough spots hit my marriage. I am married to a wonderful and loving man, we love each other more then perhaps either of us ever thought we could love another person, but even with all this love, things went wrong. Somehow life and selfish choices lead us into the red zone. It was a dark place for me, a very difficult and unyeilding time. I looked for answers in all the wrong places and placed blame on all the wrong people. During this recent struggle within our marriage we were so fortunate and felt so blessed to concieve. After nearly 5 years of trying we were pregnant. All of a sudden all of the darkness and pain from the month before disappeared. Instead of working through our issues that put our marriage into the red zone in the first place we both pretended it never happend. I mean why would we, everything was okay now, we were pregnant and we were going to have a baby! There were other things to think of, names, nurseries, clothes, stocking up on diapers, etc... We didn't convinced ourselves that we didn't have the time to focus on "that stuff" we had more important things to work on and put our energy toward.
But the pregnancy was just a difficult as the moment we just passed within our marriage only a month before hand. Our baby joy was short lived and we accended on an emotional rollacoster ride. One week the Doctors were saying I was pregnant and everything was fine, the following week I was told the baby had died and I should have a D&C, this went on like this week after week for 9 weeks. Now that I reflect it was the same sort of emotinal rollacoster that was happening within our marriage. Finally in week 9 I miscarried and my husband never left my side for one second. He was my only source of strength in a time that was painful and difficult on so many levels. He held my hand, he cried with me, he clean up after me, the first 24 hours were the worst. I had to deal with a miscarriage and cysts bursting on my ovaries at the same time, the pain was incredible. He never left my side. This is profound and maybe too much information, but I feel so compelled to say it. I am eternally grateful and blessed that he was there, words can not express it.
During our pregnancy we did not really sit down to work through and resolve our problems and the issues that plagued our marriage. We simply swept them under the rug and figured out of sight out of mind. Besides we had this wonderful pregnancy to focus on...
Well, the pregnancy did not last, nor did the denial of facing our demons. When the pregnancy fell apart, so did we (to a certain point). Not only did we have the pain of loosing a child but all the issues we had been faced with before resurfaced. Like a cork popping out of a bottle of Champange....full force and it felt as though the bottle had been shaken rather vigorisly before hand! Oh boy, it was not a pretty site. We now had nothing to hide behind or deflect the actions which put our marriage in the red zone to start with.
I fell into a black hole, and allowed this darkness, these demons to consume me. It was like a plague, it seemed impossible to stop and killed everything within its path. I felt as though there was nothing wrong with me or my choices or my behaviour. I blamed everything on my husband and expected him to change everything about himself. Of course it is always easier to blame someone else then to work on yourself. Now, looking back I am eternally grateful to the Universe for hitting me over the head with a 2by4! It was the start of the energy shift; it was the start to reclaiming who I was. Someone who I thought I laid to rest many, many years ago....
I realized that I was living my life in fear, building walls higher then mountains, viewing life like an old disillusioned synic. Wow, I had my homework cut out for me. I realized that I must claim it to change it. So with great difficulty I started to do so......years of pain, lack of confidence, the feelings of not being worthy, the struggles with my weight, the abuse and neglect of my childhood (not from my parents - just to be clear). I had spent my whole life trying to please others, giving away everything that was sacred and beautiful, the purity and love I had in me....I let people abuse me, use me, mistreat me, degrade me, take advantage of my naivity. I did so willingly. I thought that was the only way I would be, could be loved. Change yourself to please the other. Turn the other cheek.
I had decades of emotional havoc to work through. I had to choose to reprogram my belief system. I had to choose to follow my heart. To allow myself to make up my own mind. I had to allow myself to grieve all the wrong doings that I permitted to be done to me. It was two very difficult months, two months of opening wounds that I had voluntarily closed. Opening my heart again to the fears that dwelled within them.
I remember durning this time, my husband who simply would say to me..."let it go Eni" Man oh man, everytime he said it I became more and more furious with him. I thought to myself, "what the hell does he know what I am going through, it is all his fault that I feel this way". While I will not deny that issues we faced in September 2011 were brought on by my husband. However, it is absolutly not his fault that I had these demons living within my heart and mind. You know, with all the internal "work" I have been doing I came to realize that I had actually blamed my husband for pretty much everything that every happend to me in my past. I recall this one time I told him that I have kissed too many frogs, so he was going to pay for that. I held him personally accountable for everything that haunted me from my past....I remember his saying so often " I don't want to pay for ***** mistakes" But boy oh boy, I made him pay! Yup, I guess in a certain way I made my bed. Not that I am the sole reason for any of the issues we faced only a few short months ago, but without it happening I would have never had the courage (or perhaps need) to look within. To open my closet of skeletons, to open up the grave where I had buried all my demons and let them rave havoc on my life, my emotions, my belief system.
With this new energy shift, with the internal work that I have and continue to do on myself. I have noticed some very unexpected and pleasent surprises within my life. First of all, I have adopted the mantra "Let it go, just let it go Eni" this has actually changed my viewpoint on so many things within my life. I started to learn to love me....oh let me tell you, that is a tough one! But I see me in a whole new way. For almost 7 years I have lived in PJ's, yoga pants (but did not do the yoga part) worn out t-shirts, glasses that I have had since I was 15 years old, shoes that have holes in them, underwear that is literally falling apart, no skin care, or hair cuts....it was sad to see. I have been living like that for such a long time, I just thought I was comfortable enough to not worry about my apperance. But let me tell you something, the moment that I started to love and value myself as a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a person! I started to want to care for myself more. Don't misunderstand me, I am writing this whilst I sit here in my PJ's (worn out ones for that matter)! I realized that I had not bought myself ANYTHING in YEARS!!! clothing, shoes, makeup, UNDERWEAR!!!!!! I spent my life, purchasing my pain away....I bought, I shopped but for my daughter, my husband, my mother, my sister, etc.....not that it ever took anything away except what was in my wallet :)
I never put myself first, I put myself last, heck I wasn't even on the list! So all the moms, and wives and women caring for others, putting yourself last is NOT a mother thing. It is a "I don't love myself and feel worthy" thing. The moment I started putting myself higher and higher on the list, the more my family (immediate and extended) started to change how they saw me, how they treated me. How I treated myself. For example, my darling, sweet little girl, wants to dress up and feel pretty, she hugs me and tells me how beautiful I am, her whole attitude towards herself has also changed - I see her being more confident, she has the feeling of stronger selfworth and is happier in general.
So what did I do?
Well aside from doing - and continuing to do so - the internal therapy and work, I started and desired to focus on the fun stuff. The outside, my insides are on the path and I am loving the journey....so the outside has to reflect that. At least for me. I started weight watchers, with my husband in tow, we have both lost weight....I have lost about 20 lbs in 4 weeks. Well, in truth we haven't officially "joined" yet, but I bought the cookbook and we are making as many healthy choices as possible. I will join next week, online - I don't do meetings!
I also started up my pilates routine, although not as full force as when I first started it months ago, but I do an hour 3 times a week. So, eating right, excersise. What else you may ask? I started wearing clothing that no longer hid me, I relish my voluptous rubenesque body...no more huge oversized bleach stained and ripped t-shirts. I feel young, trendy, attractive and in the first time perhaps in my whole life absolutely in love with my body. Naturally I went shopping to reflect that part of me. But this time I had NO guilt in purchasing something that I love for myself.
I went and got my eyes checked and purchased new glasses 15 years in the waiting!!!
Bought some makeup, new earings, got my hair cut and colored....
But I suppose the most important and happy change in my marriage. I learned to "let go" in the begining for my own sanity, but now because in such a short period of time my mantra is my way of life. Letting go of old friendships that no longer serve my heart or life in a healthy way, letting go of belief systems that were integrated into my life from childhood, letting go of my fears of being hurt in life and love, letting go of needing approval, letting go of my child and husband - giving them the wings and freedom to be their own true self, letting go of that extra slice of cheesecake :)
Recently I had an artisan take a unique design concept I had created, she took that and reated her own....for a brief moment I was mad and upset. But then I looked at what she had created, and found beauty in it. I started looking more and more on Etsy and Facebook at all those handmade creations for children. Each held something special and unique. Whether or not it was my idea or hers, at the end of the day it helps to take a step back, put things into perspective and allow others to be by simply "letting go".
Now on the brink of spring. New life will spring forth from the grounds, everywhere a fresh start is imminent, the change and shift from winter to another season awaits....all of us! I am eternally grateful to my loving husband for being just that, a loving husband!
Thank God for mistakes, for wrong choices, and for fumbling the ball from time to time, because without them we would never be able to LET GO!
I suppose I should start from the very beginning, when all this "change" started and the energy shifted. About 6.5 months ago some really rough spots hit my marriage. I am married to a wonderful and loving man, we love each other more then perhaps either of us ever thought we could love another person, but even with all this love, things went wrong. Somehow life and selfish choices lead us into the red zone. It was a dark place for me, a very difficult and unyeilding time. I looked for answers in all the wrong places and placed blame on all the wrong people. During this recent struggle within our marriage we were so fortunate and felt so blessed to concieve. After nearly 5 years of trying we were pregnant. All of a sudden all of the darkness and pain from the month before disappeared. Instead of working through our issues that put our marriage into the red zone in the first place we both pretended it never happend. I mean why would we, everything was okay now, we were pregnant and we were going to have a baby! There were other things to think of, names, nurseries, clothes, stocking up on diapers, etc... We didn't convinced ourselves that we didn't have the time to focus on "that stuff" we had more important things to work on and put our energy toward.
But the pregnancy was just a difficult as the moment we just passed within our marriage only a month before hand. Our baby joy was short lived and we accended on an emotional rollacoster ride. One week the Doctors were saying I was pregnant and everything was fine, the following week I was told the baby had died and I should have a D&C, this went on like this week after week for 9 weeks. Now that I reflect it was the same sort of emotinal rollacoster that was happening within our marriage. Finally in week 9 I miscarried and my husband never left my side for one second. He was my only source of strength in a time that was painful and difficult on so many levels. He held my hand, he cried with me, he clean up after me, the first 24 hours were the worst. I had to deal with a miscarriage and cysts bursting on my ovaries at the same time, the pain was incredible. He never left my side. This is profound and maybe too much information, but I feel so compelled to say it. I am eternally grateful and blessed that he was there, words can not express it.
During our pregnancy we did not really sit down to work through and resolve our problems and the issues that plagued our marriage. We simply swept them under the rug and figured out of sight out of mind. Besides we had this wonderful pregnancy to focus on...
Well, the pregnancy did not last, nor did the denial of facing our demons. When the pregnancy fell apart, so did we (to a certain point). Not only did we have the pain of loosing a child but all the issues we had been faced with before resurfaced. Like a cork popping out of a bottle of Champange....full force and it felt as though the bottle had been shaken rather vigorisly before hand! Oh boy, it was not a pretty site. We now had nothing to hide behind or deflect the actions which put our marriage in the red zone to start with.
I fell into a black hole, and allowed this darkness, these demons to consume me. It was like a plague, it seemed impossible to stop and killed everything within its path. I felt as though there was nothing wrong with me or my choices or my behaviour. I blamed everything on my husband and expected him to change everything about himself. Of course it is always easier to blame someone else then to work on yourself. Now, looking back I am eternally grateful to the Universe for hitting me over the head with a 2by4! It was the start of the energy shift; it was the start to reclaiming who I was. Someone who I thought I laid to rest many, many years ago....
I realized that I was living my life in fear, building walls higher then mountains, viewing life like an old disillusioned synic. Wow, I had my homework cut out for me. I realized that I must claim it to change it. So with great difficulty I started to do so......years of pain, lack of confidence, the feelings of not being worthy, the struggles with my weight, the abuse and neglect of my childhood (not from my parents - just to be clear). I had spent my whole life trying to please others, giving away everything that was sacred and beautiful, the purity and love I had in me....I let people abuse me, use me, mistreat me, degrade me, take advantage of my naivity. I did so willingly. I thought that was the only way I would be, could be loved. Change yourself to please the other. Turn the other cheek.
I had decades of emotional havoc to work through. I had to choose to reprogram my belief system. I had to choose to follow my heart. To allow myself to make up my own mind. I had to allow myself to grieve all the wrong doings that I permitted to be done to me. It was two very difficult months, two months of opening wounds that I had voluntarily closed. Opening my heart again to the fears that dwelled within them.
I remember durning this time, my husband who simply would say to me..."let it go Eni" Man oh man, everytime he said it I became more and more furious with him. I thought to myself, "what the hell does he know what I am going through, it is all his fault that I feel this way". While I will not deny that issues we faced in September 2011 were brought on by my husband. However, it is absolutly not his fault that I had these demons living within my heart and mind. You know, with all the internal "work" I have been doing I came to realize that I had actually blamed my husband for pretty much everything that every happend to me in my past. I recall this one time I told him that I have kissed too many frogs, so he was going to pay for that. I held him personally accountable for everything that haunted me from my past....I remember his saying so often " I don't want to pay for ***** mistakes" But boy oh boy, I made him pay! Yup, I guess in a certain way I made my bed. Not that I am the sole reason for any of the issues we faced only a few short months ago, but without it happening I would have never had the courage (or perhaps need) to look within. To open my closet of skeletons, to open up the grave where I had buried all my demons and let them rave havoc on my life, my emotions, my belief system.
With this new energy shift, with the internal work that I have and continue to do on myself. I have noticed some very unexpected and pleasent surprises within my life. First of all, I have adopted the mantra "Let it go, just let it go Eni" this has actually changed my viewpoint on so many things within my life. I started to learn to love me....oh let me tell you, that is a tough one! But I see me in a whole new way. For almost 7 years I have lived in PJ's, yoga pants (but did not do the yoga part) worn out t-shirts, glasses that I have had since I was 15 years old, shoes that have holes in them, underwear that is literally falling apart, no skin care, or hair cuts....it was sad to see. I have been living like that for such a long time, I just thought I was comfortable enough to not worry about my apperance. But let me tell you something, the moment that I started to love and value myself as a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a person! I started to want to care for myself more. Don't misunderstand me, I am writing this whilst I sit here in my PJ's (worn out ones for that matter)! I realized that I had not bought myself ANYTHING in YEARS!!! clothing, shoes, makeup, UNDERWEAR!!!!!! I spent my life, purchasing my pain away....I bought, I shopped but for my daughter, my husband, my mother, my sister, etc.....not that it ever took anything away except what was in my wallet :)
I never put myself first, I put myself last, heck I wasn't even on the list! So all the moms, and wives and women caring for others, putting yourself last is NOT a mother thing. It is a "I don't love myself and feel worthy" thing. The moment I started putting myself higher and higher on the list, the more my family (immediate and extended) started to change how they saw me, how they treated me. How I treated myself. For example, my darling, sweet little girl, wants to dress up and feel pretty, she hugs me and tells me how beautiful I am, her whole attitude towards herself has also changed - I see her being more confident, she has the feeling of stronger selfworth and is happier in general.
So what did I do?
Well aside from doing - and continuing to do so - the internal therapy and work, I started and desired to focus on the fun stuff. The outside, my insides are on the path and I am loving the journey....so the outside has to reflect that. At least for me. I started weight watchers, with my husband in tow, we have both lost weight....I have lost about 20 lbs in 4 weeks. Well, in truth we haven't officially "joined" yet, but I bought the cookbook and we are making as many healthy choices as possible. I will join next week, online - I don't do meetings!
I also started up my pilates routine, although not as full force as when I first started it months ago, but I do an hour 3 times a week. So, eating right, excersise. What else you may ask? I started wearing clothing that no longer hid me, I relish my voluptous rubenesque body...no more huge oversized bleach stained and ripped t-shirts. I feel young, trendy, attractive and in the first time perhaps in my whole life absolutely in love with my body. Naturally I went shopping to reflect that part of me. But this time I had NO guilt in purchasing something that I love for myself.
I went and got my eyes checked and purchased new glasses 15 years in the waiting!!!
Bought some makeup, new earings, got my hair cut and colored....
But I suppose the most important and happy change in my marriage. I learned to "let go" in the begining for my own sanity, but now because in such a short period of time my mantra is my way of life. Letting go of old friendships that no longer serve my heart or life in a healthy way, letting go of belief systems that were integrated into my life from childhood, letting go of my fears of being hurt in life and love, letting go of needing approval, letting go of my child and husband - giving them the wings and freedom to be their own true self, letting go of that extra slice of cheesecake :)
Recently I had an artisan take a unique design concept I had created, she took that and reated her own....for a brief moment I was mad and upset. But then I looked at what she had created, and found beauty in it. I started looking more and more on Etsy and Facebook at all those handmade creations for children. Each held something special and unique. Whether or not it was my idea or hers, at the end of the day it helps to take a step back, put things into perspective and allow others to be by simply "letting go".
Now on the brink of spring. New life will spring forth from the grounds, everywhere a fresh start is imminent, the change and shift from winter to another season awaits....all of us! I am eternally grateful to my loving husband for being just that, a loving husband!
Thank God for mistakes, for wrong choices, and for fumbling the ball from time to time, because without them we would never be able to LET GO!
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